I Just Want to Document That I’m Throwing These Knives Away

Hello! How’s it going? Over here it’s going weird because my dad thinks I’m moving. And I need your help. Not help with moving, because I’m not moving… help with something else. Still following all of this?

I am in this weird place in my life in that I have decided to finally ‘get it together’. Well, I’m not getting all of my life together because I like to keep things a surprise (mostly to myself). But I am trying to get my home together by doing a super legit Spring Cleaning session. I don’t know why I felt the need to capitalize it, maybe because it’s part of my new fancy life / SPRING CLEANING endeavor and I want to feel like it’s extra important.

I am in what I call and “anti-hoarding” phase where I am throwing anything that’s not nailed down or too heavy for me to lift.

It’s therapeutic.

My mom said it’s how I am trying to feel control over my life. Which I think is code for “I’m going to suggest you go to therapy soon and this is a lil hint hint before I give you a lecture…”

In an effort to get rid of unneeded items I have been taking pictures of things like my end tables, books, clothes… that I don’t want and texting them to my family to see if anyone wants them before I donate it.

My dad saw this and asked my mom, “Is she moving?!”

Ha!

It’s probably because I’ve never cleaned like this before and he’s weirded out.

Well, no end tables for you Dad.

But here’s where I need your help…

I recently got a new set of kitchen knives (as opposed to bathroom knives?) and need to get rid of my old ones. They’re really not good enough to donate or give away because they’re dull and rusted. But they are probably good enough to stab someone. I haven’t tested this, but I have cut my fingers chopping apples so I know they can do some damage.

I don’t know if it’s because of my obsession with Serial Season 1 or the Steve Avery Making a Murderer thing or all the other dozens of Innocence Project stories I’ve heard within the last year but I may be the slightest bit paranoid now. So I am afraid if I just throw them in the trash someone is going to find them and murder someone and then blame it on me and I’m going to be all like,

“I couldn’t have murdered anyone because I don’t even know how to chop apples!”

But no one will believe me because of the rampant criminal profiling of redheads that goes on in the media (I assume I don’t really watch the news because I’m too busy with my true crime documentaries). And then I’ll go to jail because I just wanted to clean my house and get my life together!

So, what should I do with them?

And since I’m asking for advice, you are also welcome to weigh in on this watermelon dilemma…

One of the baby watermelons I bought has all this brown stuff around the core.

Does this mean it’s bad? Is this just a natural thing that happens sometimes and it’s fine?

I really want to eat it! Someone tell me it’s cool and I won’t get the D word if I do (diarrhea not the other d word perv).

Knives? Watermelon? Help?

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